Cats: The Ultimate Poem
by HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus
Summary: Why would you bother watching a whole musical with songs based on poems when you can just read one poem? BECAUSE IT'S THE BEST MUSICAL EVER AND TUMBLEBRUTUS IS AWESOME! That's why. Rated T for censored swearwords and the Rum Tum Tugger.


**Cats: The Ultimate Poem**

Why would you bother watching a whole 2 hour musical with songs based on poems when you can just read a 1400 words poem? BECAUSE IT'S THE BEST MUSICAL EVER, THE MUSIC IS THE BEST AND BECAUSE TUMBLEBRUTUS IS AWESOME! That's why.

 **Important:** The parts written like this are not included in the actual poem:

 _(something)_ : notifications by the writer (me)

 _(character name)_ : name of the character that is about to say something

 **Disclaimer stuff:** I own everything about Cats. All right, I lied. I don't. I wish. Slightly inspired by _Cats: The Musical in 10 Minutes_ by Mystitat. Go check out that fanfic too!

 **Author's note:** This is my first fanfiction ever! Sorry if my English isn't so good but I'm Belgian and I'm only 14 years old sooooo….. R&R!

ooo0O0ooo

This is my favourite of all musicals

It tells the story about the Jellicles

The Jellicles are a big tribe of cats,

And they're all cool because….. they like to eat rats?

( except for the Rum Tum Tugger, he will prefer a mouse)

The Junkyard is what the Jellicles call their house

It's basically a big yard full of junk

Hey, who's that, on the car's trunk?

Oh, that's Munkustrap, his friends call him Munk.

( And I can't deny it, he's a total hunk)

He is the protector of the Jellicles

He protects them from Pekes and from Pollicles

 _( Seriously, why are they called Jellicles? There's nothing that rhymes on that, except for "musicals" and "Pollicles") ( or "particles" and "chemicals", but seriously, who uses that in a poem?)_

So all the other cats come together and sing,

About the fact that they really can do everything.

They can fly through the air like a flying trapeze,

They can run up a wall, they can swing through the trees

 _( Easy, eh? Just copying parts from the song?)_

So the audience blinks and is like: "What the _(word not suitable for this rating)_?"

 _(Asparagus)_ : " I hope that didn't totally suck?"

 _(Munkustrap)_ : " I think they just don't get what we sing.

Let's sing that other song, about our naming!"

There's this confusing song about names ( they say they have three,

But then they add a fourth one) _(Munkus)_ : "We just forgot him at first, sorry!"

 _(Victoria)_ : "Now it's my turn, let me do my ballet!"

 _(Mistoffelees)_ : " Jellicle cats come out…" _(Victoria, angrily)_ : "Hey!"

 _(Munk)_ : "Yeah everybody, here I am, that's right,

We're having a big celebration tonight.

 _( Lol, sounds like he's rapping)_

And soon our leader Old D will be there,

To show who will go to the Heaviside Layer!

 _(Heaviside Layer, -s, M.: Jellicle heaven)_

 _(still Munk)_ : "And every one wonders: who will it be?

Maybe it's Jennyanydots, we call her the old Gumbie...cat."

 _(Jenny)_ : "Yes, I like to educate cockroaches and mice!"

 _(Munk)_ : "Uhm, yes Jenny, very nice…"

 _(Jenny)_ : "Look, they even know how to dance!"

So the roaches come out and they… well, they dance.

Suddenly _(Rum Tum Tugger)_ : "Hey everybody, RTT's in the house!

Unless if I'm in a flat…then I prefer a house…

It's difficult to say…" _(Misto)_ : "He's boooooring!" _(Jenny)_ : "And he's rude!"

 _(Etcetera)_ : "He is so hot!" _(Tugger)_ : "Hey, you're cute!"

 _(Bombalurina)_ : "No, take me instead!"

 _(Tugger)_ : "Nah, I'll literally drop you, shake my hips, mane and head.

Hey, who's that?" _(Demeter)_ : "You see, no one ever supposes that thát

Was Grizabella the glamour cat!"

 _(Grizabella)_ : "Please touch me!" _(Munk)_ : "Why?"

 _(Griz)_ : "Because… you see the corner of my eye?"

 _(Bustopher Jones)_ : "Go away, it's my turn, foul street cat!"

 _(Jenny)_ : "Yay, it's BJ, he's really fat!"

 _(BJ)_ : "Yes, indeed, but I still have class!"

 _(Pouncival)_ : "Hey, what's the index of your body mass?"

Pounce gets pushed over by Bustopher, but hey,

Macavity alert, and Jones runs away!

Police cars, everyone runs away, because…

 _(Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer)_ : "Nah, it's jost os!

'Cos we loik to maik trobble and sca'e ev'yone awt!

And the'es nothin' at oll to be done abawt…"

 _(Munk)_ : "Ha! Gotcha!" _(Mungo & Rumple)_: "Aw, _(word not suitable for this rating)_!"

 _(Munk)_ : "Hey, look our leader Old Deuteronomy!"

 _( Hehe, now all readers are trying to find a swearword that rhymes on Deuteronomy)_

 _(Munk)_ : "Like his name says, he's really old."

 _(Tugger)_ : "And he's the village's biggest playtom, I have been told!"

 _(Old D)_ : "Someone help, I can't properly walk!"

Then Munkus does some exposition talk,

And now they're doing a play in a play!

That is a little bit weird, but anyway,

It's about 2 kinds of dogs who have a big fight

When they're suddenly interrupted by their biggest fright:

The Great Rumpus Cat (Admetus with weird glasses and a wig)

And his jaws are like soooo big!

So they all run away in fear,

And the street is nice and clear.

But then: Macavity alert! (again)

But they're only afraid for a second or ten,

Because then they're singing about the fact

That they all are white and black

 _(Yeah, Alonzo and Misto are, but Demeter doesn't seem black and white to me?)_

 _(Dem)_ : "Yeah, HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus, you're right!

I am not just black and white!"

 _(Shush, you can't talk to me)_

Then they go dancing around and stuff

And there's some Plato/Victoria fluff

Then, guess who's there again?

Yup, Grizabella, right back from where she began!

 _(Nowhere)_

She sings, and Old Deuteronomy cries,

But how could he forgive her, after all these lies?

He sings this song that no one understands,

And then… look! Gus is back from the Netherlands!

 _(Why was Gus in the Netherlands? The answer: he wasn't. It was just to make it rhyme)_

 _(Jellylorum)_ : "Gus was an actor, but now he's really old,

He once was an actor, as I already told."

Then there's Skimbleshanks, and the audience is like: "Whut?

Why did they have the Growltiger part cut?"

There's this cool train, but then: A CRIME!

Macavity alert: for the third time?!

Macavity organizes an Old D kidnapping

 _(Dem)_ : "Well, I guess there's nothing else to do than sing?"

 _(Bomba)_ : "Hey, look over there, Old D is back!"

 _(Dem)_ : "Then I guess I'll go serve as his backpack!"

Oh no, it wasn't really Old D!

 _(Munk)_ : "You _(word not suitable for this rating)_! Flee!"

 _(Mac)_ : "Shoo!" _(Munk)_ : "I'm hit!

I think I'm even… bleeding…a little bit…"

But Alonzo can strike Mac, with a little bit of luck

And all the Hidden Paw said was: " _(word not suitable for this rating)_!"

He disappears in this electricity thing

And for one second you can't see anything

 _(Munk)_ : "Whoa, what? _(Dem)_ : "Hiss!"

 _(Munk)_ : "Turn off that flashlight, we were about to kiss!"

 _(Jemima)_ : "But what about Old D?" _(Misto)_ : "I'll get him back!

All you need to do is draw a card from the pack.

Is it the king of hearts?" _(Jem)_ : "No."

 _(Misto)_ : "Oh, OK, uhmmm… Cassandra, go!"

 _(Cassandra)_ : "Yes, look how I obviously disappear in this pipe!"

 _(Tugger)_ : "Hey, our leader is back in the tribe!"

Munk does his exposition talk (again!)

And they're about to choose, but then

Guess who's there, hiding in the shadow?

Indeed, Grizabella, ready to steal the show!

 _(Seriously what's up with those guys? 3 times Macavity alert, 3 times Munk talking about the Jellicle Choice and 3 times Grizabella spoiling the party!)_

She sings her famous song 'Memory'

 _(Also for the 2_ _nd_ _time)_

And she is like: "Please, someone touch me!"

 _(Tugger)_ : "Oh, Everlasting Cat, stop it!

You can walk to hell with your memory _(word not suitable for this rating)_!"

 _(Griz)_ : "Actually, I would prefer the Heaviside Layer…"

 _(Old D)_ : "All right, FINE, just take this stair!

Yes, up up up, past the Russell Hotel,

Just a little bit further, you're doing well…"

 _(Griz)_ : "Ugh, all this smoke, I can't take a breath…"

 _(Old D)_ : "Well, to go to heaven there must be DEATH!"

 _(Wow, evil Deuteronomy is a mind-(word not suitable for this rating)_

 _(Old D)_ : "Oh, reader, before you go, do you have some pie?

No? OK then. Goodbye."

 **A/N:** Phew, you have no idea how hard it is for a 14 year old Belgian boy to rhyme in English. As Asparagus would say: I hope that didn't totally suck? Oh, and if I have been mean to the characters or the story, I wasn't serious. I _(word not suitable for this rating)_ ing LOOOVE Cats!

 _(Tumblebrutus)_ : "Hey, HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus!"

 _(Oh, hey Tumbles, wat's up?)_

 _(Tumble)_ : "I'm your favourite cat and I didn't even get a line!"

 _(Oh, sorry, uhmmm… you could say our favourite line?)_

 _(Tumble)_ : "Yes, and I'll even make it rhyme! Oh well,

Have you been an alumnus of heaven and hell?"

 _ **End**_


End file.
